Guess who’s back!
Well, not really. I mean, I’m writing this post and finally reconnecting with my inner Ursa after months of total silence, but I can’t promise you that I’m back for good.
I’ve been meaning to write this post for weeks now, and I feel like I owe you all an explanation. My last post dates from May 2021, and since then, I’ve completely disappeared (or ursa-ppear, ha). What happened then? Well, I talked a lot about it when I blogged, but back in May, I was working on my master’s thesis. I was living on my own in my uni city and most of my days were spent writing my thesis. In June, I found myself alone in town, as my friends went back to their parents – the school year had ended and I should have just done the same, but I wanted to keep working on my thesis at my place, cause I thought it would be the best environment to stay focused. That, and the train tickets were too expensive. Anyway, it was a bad idea. It’s when I started dealing with anxiety and had a lot of attacks. My parents came in a rush because I worried them a lot: it was bad. Nevertheless, I finished my thesis and passed with flying colors, then I fled my apartment to my parents’ house in the countryside. I needed peace and quiet to deal with my crippling anxiety. Not gonna lie, the blog wasn’t really my priority back then. I wasn’t in a mood for writing, I wasn’t even in a mood for reading. I needed to focus on myself and start the healing process.
I spent all summer at my parents’. I didn’t travel, I didn’t take on a summer job, I didn’t see my friends. Basically, I did nothing but hug my cats and chill in the garden, trying to forget the state I was in a few weeks ago. Luckily (?) for me, that was the same time I found an occupation for the new school year – as I ended my studies, I was looking for a job. And I found one in my uni city, as a volunteer at the Maison des Étudiants – like a foyer sort of thing, where students can come study or chill, etc. – of my former college. I was bound to get back to the place where it all started. And I was shit-scared, no lie.
I went back to my apartment in September as I started my new occupation. Honestly, the job is amazing – I really love what I do and everyone on the team I work with is so nice. It’s been really fun. What has not been funny is that I started having anxiety and panic attacks again. So I started therapy because I hate feeling like I do, and I want help to get better. It’s been less than a month now, and it’s been quite a ride. I’m still sick, and I had a lot of ups and downs – and lately, mostly downs. The cool job helps, but once I’m back on my own in my apartment, it’s anxiety time. It has not been easy and I’m in for a long time, I think. I work hard to get better but, sadly, this kind of illness doesn’t get cured in a couple of days.
So, that’s that. You know now what I’ve been doing. Struggling with mental illness for the last five months. I didn’t forget you, I actually think a lot about you all and the support you brought me before. I hope you are all doing alright. I’m sorry if I disappeared, I didn’t mean to cut ties, but I needed a break. I still do, actually. I want to get better. Blogging isn’t my priority as of today, and I still struggle with reading: and if I’m not reading, what’s the point of a book blog? Anyway, I wanted to pop in and say hi to all of you and explain a bit what happened. I still need time and I hope you’ll forgive me for that.
And if you’re too struggling with mental illness, I see you. It’s going to be alright. We’re going to be alright.